February 8, 2015 | By | Add a Comment

After a two year hiatus, it’s finally time for another Princess Diary! Up next is a princess who doesn’t seem to get a lot of attention. We’re here to change that. This is for you, Pocahontas!

2:23: Only a couple minutes into this movie and John Smith reminds me of a young Fabio. Speaking of Fabio, do we know what ever happened to that guy? Did he just pass out and die one day after being completely flummoxed that what he was eating truly wasn’t butter?

4:45: We have a bad guy and… it’s another man! That makes 3 bad guys (Gaston, Jafar, Ratcliffe) in a row after starting off with 4 evil ladies! Although, can we really call Gaston a bad guy? I think he was quite a charming fellow – much more than that fellow on the horse in Sleeping Beauty.

8:00: First description of Pocahontas: “She goes wherever the wind takes her”. I’ve been doing the same thing lately, but it keeps taking me to Taco Bell. It’s almost as if the wind wants a burrito and some nachos.

8:09: First sight of Pocahontas and she is standing at the top of a very, very, very, very tall ledge. Don’t jump Poco, there is always hope.

8:44: Pocahontas declines my advice in favor of a massive swan dive into the water. Though we can’t be sure if it was Pocahontas or really a stunt double.

11:31: Apparently Poco’s Dad is arranging a marriage for her to a guy who is “loyal and strong” and will “build her a good house with sturdy walls”. I was tracking until that last part about the sturdy walls. It’s no wonder Poco isn’t into this guy. I just can’t see sturdy wall builder on most women’s top 10 list of things they want in a husband.

14:08: Poco singing a stirring song about wanting to know what’s “just around the river bend”. Another princess longing for adventure and wanting to escape the expectations of her father.  Sounds a lot like Ariel. Princesses just gotta be free, yo!

28:00: Bad guy wants gold in the worst way. John “Fabio” Smith, meanwhile, just wants adventure. And a low calorie butter substitute to spread on his blueberry muffins.

31:00: After stalking him for a solid 5 minutes, Poco and J-Fab Smith finally make eye contact. Poco’s hair is whipping in the wind something furious.

31:20: Poco and J-Fab are staring into each other’s eyes so deeply, I am getting mildly uncomfortable.

31:40: First, Poco stalks the man. Then, she gets his attention. And now, when he likes her, she run away! Women I tell you…

31:53: Ok, so apparently J-Fab had a gun in his hands and that sort of spooked Poco. I suppose that’s a pretty good reason to run away. Maybe Al Capone was wrong when he said that a smile and a gun would get you a lot further than just a smile.

32:20: J-Fab runs after Poco and sticks out his hand. Poco has to decide if she should take it. The whole thing goes down kind of like this:

40:30: This is it! Poco is singing the only song I know from this movie – Colors of the Wind (or, Colours of the wind if you’re British). We’re finally having a moment! The song isn’t as good compared to Part of Your World or Tale as Old as Time, but has some deceptively profound lyrics. Though I must say that after all these years I still don’t know what a blue corn moon is.

46:00: I’m not gonna lie, I’m not really paying attention anymore. That song was pretty much the only thing I was looking forward to in this movie. Like the chopped sycamore tree, this movie has nowhere to go but down.

47:00: I think something important is happening. Maybe I should put down the nachos and get off Facebook.

50:00: J-Fab tells Poco to meet him again later that night at the same place. Somehow, the two have managed to spend half the movie apart from their groups frolicking around in the woods and making little romantic plans under the blue corn moon. I think we know what the theme song to this movie really is:

60:00: Oops, they aren’t alone any longer. And, I think someone just died? Non-bad guys aren’t allowed to die in Disney Princess movies! He can’t really be dead??  To top it off, he’s the guy who makes the houses with the really sturdy walls. I can’t imagine how difficult this part of the movie must’ve been for Bob Vila.

62:41: In another stolen moment alone, J-Fab tells Poco:

I’d rather die tomorrow than live 100 years without knowing you. No matter what happens to me, I’ll always be with you forever.


65:00: Wow, first a guy legit dies and now a song about war. Yikes. This Disney movie is really getting serious.

66:30: Poco is determined to stop the war. Her hair is once again absolutely rippling in the wind. With nature, love and volumizing Pantene on her side, nothing can stop her.

67:40: In order for Poco to stop this war, I wonder if the greedy bad guy will have a change of heart.  Other than the Beast, I can’t think of any bad guys turning into good guys in these princess movies.

70:00: Nope, bad guy still bad. Oh well, it was worth a shot.

78:00: Speaking of shot, J-Fab takes a bullet for Poco. He then tries to get Poco to go back with him to England, but she makes the difficult decision to stay in Virginia, with her people. Had there been any chemistry at all between the two of them, it may have been an emotional moment.

80:00: When they’re about to leave, Poco tells J-Fab that “No matter what happens, I’ll always be with you, forever.” Somewhat mercifully, the movie ends.

Closing Thoughts:

After the last 3 princess movies (The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin), it’s natural to be disappointed in Pocahontas. The music isn’t as good, the chemistry with John Smith isn’t quite right and the ending is somewhat anti-climactic. Still, Pocahontas brings more to the table than her wavy hair. She is another adventurous princess, but has a soft and gentle spirit at the same time. She is wise beyond her years, but full of wonder too. Her motivations are pure and she single-handedly prevents a war. As a quote from the movie The Village puts it, “She is more capable than most in this village. And she is led by love. The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe.”

The wind doesn’t blow where you want it to go. No, the wind just goes where it will and you follow.


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Category: Princess Diaries

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