All Sport Sucks

September 10, 2009 | By | 8 Comments

Editors Note: In an effort to make this post as difficult to read as possible, I’ve added underlining, bold, italics, CAPS LOCK, and footnotes. 1 I have no idea what this will look like in a reader.

I had a pretty hard time choosing whether to go with the grape or watermelon flavored Coolata.  Grape and watermelon are my favorite flavors of just about anything and Dunkin’ Donuts decided to roll out both at the same time!

I ended up going with the grape.  It was pretty good – especially the first few sips 2.  It tasted kind of like a slush puppy, which is really good news.  If it tasted like a slurpee, it would have been really bad news. This is because slush puppies are awesome 3 and slurpees are overrated and mildly disgusting4.  This brings us to a very important and overlooked point – slush puppies and slurpees are not the same thing! They are hardly even in the same family!  It’s kind of like comparing Gatorade to All Sport.  If you’ve never had the severe discomfort of having a cherry flavored All Sport, imagine drinking caffeinated Robitussin.  It’s that bad!

lemon lime all sportSpeaking of All Sport, I didn’t think it existed anymore.  How can anything that disgusting still be around?!?  If anything should still be in stores, it is Clearly Canadian.5  Clearly Canadian was clearly awesome!

Well, just the other day, I was driving past the dollar store and saw an advertisement for All Sport in the window!  And you know what, it was selling for 89 cents! Yes, it couldn’t even make the price of a dollar at the *Dollar* store! You know what else?  There was an additional sale of 2 for 1 dollar! They are practically giving these suckers away!  Soon, they will be paying the customer just to take them off their hands!  This will be done to avoid a disposal fee because All Sport is radioactive!  Or, the government might confiscate them as they search for alternative sources of fuel.  The stuff is pure nastiness!  Can I say it any clearer?  ALL SPORT SUCKS! 6

So, thank you All Sport.  Like those commercials with the 13 foot backboards, you’ve once again showed us how to do things differently.  Despite being the fattest in the survival of the fittest, you’ve somehow managed to survive.

UPDATE: I recently learned that there is a zero sugar and zero calorie version of All Sport.  I don’t have the energy to write about how bad of an idea this is.

  1. I even downloaded a special plugin for the express purpose of making this useless footnote possible.  Doesn’t it look pretty?  You should try clicking back and forth with the little sideways arrow below.  It’s really great.  Go ahead!  Knock yourself out!  It’s both fun and legal and you won’t be ashamed to tell your grandmother you did it.
  2. Don’t the first few sips of any type of slushy drink always taste the best?  It’s like gum.  Can they make slushes that continue to taste good after the first few sips and gum that continues to gush flavor after a few chomps?  I don’t think they can. Frappuccinos and Snow Cones suffer from the same malady.
  3. The people at the counter used to make the slush puppies. These people did a pretty good job. Now, it is set up where you have to do it on your own. Everyone makes the mistake of thinking that extra syrup will make the slush puppy taste better. Well, I must say that that the people at slush puppy did a pretty good job with their syrup pump count. it’s almost like they factored in the idea that people like syrupy slushes. It’s also important to have slush puppies with smaller rather than larger pieces of ice.  If this were rocks, you would want sand rather than pebbles. This is because the sand blends in better with the syrup.
  4. Cherry flavored slurpees are especially gross.  On the other hand, anything with a pina colada flavor is midly passable.
  5. The black raspberry flavor was especially delicious.
  6. It is terrible. Just terrible.
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Comments (8)

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  1. Erin says:

    Oh my, this made me laugh! The thought of caffeinated Robitussin made me shudder as only Robitussin can. Ugh. And I miss Clearly Canadian, too. Where’d that stuff go?

    • Mark says:

      I came across Clearly Canadian at a 7-Eleven in Billerica a few years back. I scooped up a couple of those beauties and polished them off in no time. They were even better than I recalled! Sadly, I have gone back to that same store about 37 times since then and I’ve yet to see another bottle. 🙁

      • Conor says:

        Clearly Canadian is BACK! I am actually working for them right now. Although you won’t find any of the flavors in glass bottles, they are now out in plastic 20oz bottles. There are four flavors: Wild Raspberry, Black Cherry, Orchard Peach and Mountain Blackberry. Check out their website for products or to find a distributor near you. http://www.clearly.ca

  2. Devon says:

    I was just thinking about Clearly Canadian last week…ah the memories…

    • Mark says:

      It’s unanimous! Everyone loved Clearly Canadian! Come back! Whatever I said… Whatever I did… I didn’t mean it. I just want you back for good. (I want you back. Want you back. I said I want you back for good.)

  3. Matt says:

    This blog is en fuego. I just read on Wikipedia that Clearly Canadian is trying to make a come back, and since its on Wikipedia it must be true! Aloha means goodbye

  4. Wendy says:

    So, let me get this straight… You don’t like All Sport? I’m just not sure how you really feel. Maybe next time you shouldn’t sugar-coat it, just put it right out there. How do you really feel?
    .-= Wendy´s last blog ..The kids didn’t get dropped off at the pool =-.

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