Fireside Chats with Ryan

Editors Note: Ryan is still in denial over his obsession with NKOTB.

Getting “jiggy” with Ryan

me: what do you think it means to “get jiggy” with something?
Ryan: um… I dont think it’s sexual
Ryan: rather, to get down? like dancing
Ryan: no idea…
me: it is no doubt a good thing though
Ryan: without a doubt

me: i just told my roomate to steal a canoe
me: he said i had loose morals
me: doesn’t that sound like a spanish boxer?
me: loose morales
Ryan: it does. How your mind gets there, I don’t know…
me: the shadow knows
Ryan: well that sounds neat
Ryan: hey I gotta run
me: ahahahahahahahah!!!
me: (sinister laugh)
me: to the batcave!

Brady is down

me: i’m not sure if you’ve heard, but tom brady is injured
Ryan: I want to die
me: i can’t eat, sleep or shave
Ryan: I want to die
me: i’m not certain that i can ever be happy again
Ryan: I want to die

Jessie’s girl

me: do you know that song jessie’s girl?
Ryan: I think so
me: do that song about stacey’s mother?
Ryan: what?
me: stacey’s mom
me: has got it goin on..
me: you know that song?
Ryan: yes
me: they both could have been written about the same person
me: what if jessie’s girl ended up being stacey’s mom?
Ryan: you’re absolutely correct
Ryan: what’re the odds though?
me: very low
me: but she may have inspired generations of music
Ryan: do you consider yourself unique?
me: yes
me: just like everybody else

Ryan and art:

me: he had some things to say about the texture and composition
me: and lighting
me: he spoke in such delightful prose
Art: your mother
me: he had some things to say about her as well
Art: ok, that was funny
Art: “he spoke in such delightful prose” what the *censored*?

Questioning Ryan

me: Dear Ryan, I heard that you don’t know what Green17 stands for???
me: And you’re over here worrying about the children in Africa?!?!?? I think you should get your priorities in order.
me: Sincerely,
me: Todd Day
Ryan: I think someone is lying to you. Everyone knows what Green 17 stands for.
Ryan: Please don’t question me in this regard ever again.
Ryan: I, after all, did get to play on the Parquet floor.
Ryan: Who are you to question me?!

Ryan and Antoine:

Ryan: green 17! you coming tonight?
me: yes!
me: if things go really well, i might even do the wiggle
me: if they don’t go well, i might cry
me: or throw something
me: or eat a lot of chocolate
Ryan: please lean towards chocolate
me: i think antoine walker might be the best thing that ever happened to the boston celtics
Ryan: ha, you sure about that?
me: he changed my life
Ryan: just like NKOTB
me: i’m having 6 kids named Antoine
Ryan: I feel bad for your wife
me: i don’t care if they’re girls or boys
me: is there anything i can bring, like pistachios?
Ryan: I LOVE pistachios, so if you bring those I’ll be quite content
me: i love Antoine Walker
me: employee #8 forever
Ryan: hey I gotta run, work calls
me: word
Ryan: later G, see you for tipoff
me: yes!
me: if you are nice i might show you my antoine walker bobblehead doll one day

Granny Stolar

me: I was in the big apple today and started thinkin bout your mom’s mom… grannysmith. going past wwe headquarter now (vacationland).
Ryan: My mom’s mom was actually Granny Stolar. You see, there’s this weird tradition in American culture
Ryan: that when a woman gets married, she takes her husband’s last name.
Ryan: And my mom’s mom passed away 7 years ago. Thanks for bringing it up…
me: Oh yes, Granny Stolar! She was such a fascinating lady. I loved her to the moon and back! I can still vividly remember hearing her tell the story of the day that
me: she came to the United States as a young woman. She was so happy to be here that as soon as she got off the boat, she kissed the ground!!
me: Who knew that Grandpa stolar would be working on the other side of that vented manhole!!
me: (They would only later find out that they were from the same village in Czechoslovakia!!!)
me: Another memorable thing about Granny Stolar is that she sure could she cook.
me: I smile just thinking about the dumplings and sauerkraut, mushroom barley soup, maltballs and poppyseed rolls. Yum!
me: Best of all, though, was her cabbage rolls. Grandpa talked very fondly about her cabbage rolls (though not as fondly as the first time he made out with Granny).

Ryan and NKOTB

me: Just a reminder – they’re bringing the HEAT on 9/26 @ the Garden. I’m pretty sure I could hook you up with that ticket we spoke of.

GETCHA POPCORN READY.

You might also want some sleeping pills too to help you get to sleep at night as the date approaches. Don’t be ASHAMED. I KNOW you want one.
Oh, there is ONE more thing you should have on hand. You better buy some DRAMAMINE cause it’s GONNA BE ONE WILD RIDE BABY!!!

Website Fallout:

Ryan: I want to tell you how deceived I feel
me: uh-oh
Ryan: realizing that the only reason you were g-chatting with me months ago was so you could post them on your blog
Ryan: I feel used
Ryan: dirty
me: um
Ryan: but most importantly, that my rights were infringed upon
me: ah
me: oh
Ryan: you will be hearing from my lawyerS (emphasis on plural) shortly
me: uh-oh
Ryan: by the time I am done with you, marklamberti.com will be a website that advertises nothing but geriatric care bedpans, you hear me?
me: yikes
me: should i take it down?
Ryan: I don’t feel that i should comment as this is in the care of my lawyers right now
me: oh yeah
me: that is probably the right thing to do
Ryan: agreed
me: if your lawyers decide that they want it taken down, please let me know and i’ll give them all my money
me: and firstborn
Ryan: I don’t want your firstborn
me: i’ll give you the second born instead

Dead Hamsters

Ryan: any chance you could frame all of our chats some way so I look exceptionally witty and humorous?
Ryan: maybe put a picture of brad pitt’s body with my head mounted on it on top of the page so people think I’m wildly handsome
me: you are wildly handsome
me: any ideas how to do that?
Ryan: you’re the creative engine behind this thing
Ryan: do it yourself
me: the wheel is spinning but the hampster died a long time ago
Ryan: So is the wheel just tossing the dead hampster around and around? That’s nasty…
me: to him that has little, even what little he has will be taken away from him
Ryan: …
me: he slowed once and death caught him
Ryan: sad…
me: we should all pause and reflect on the life (death) of that slow and rotting hampster
Ryan: I’d rather not

me: Maybe you should get some new profile pictures instead of recycling old ones. Have you ever thought of that baller?
Ryan: Maybe you should mind your own business.
Ryan: Maybe you should stop pretending to be interested in talking to people only to further your blog.
me: http://marklamberti.com