The Little Mermaid

After polling my friends, searching more than a handful of libraries, and combing every used movie store I’m aware of, I finally found a copy of The Little Mermaid. But here is the best part: it was being sold for only … $42.49! Yes, that is a 4 and a 2 followed by a 4 and 9! You might question whether this is money well spent. Well, anytime you’re a single guy with no kids and have the opportunity to purchase The Little Mermaid at the most severe premium you could imagine, that is a decision you just have to say “yes” to. You’re a worthy opponent Disney vault! You win!

After all that work, I finally had time the chance to sit down and become a part of Ariel’s world. Here is what I discovered.

1:18 – I think we have a prince. I don’t know what his name is yet, so I’ll refer to him as Fred. No horse, but he does have a gigantic dog.

2:25 – I just heard the “aaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaaa” music and it sent happy tingles down my spine. After a 40 year princess drought since Aurora in 1959, Disney is back! I am legitimately excited.

2:55 – Our first view of Ariel and she is with what appears to be her mermaid family. Most women will be happy to know that she isn’t swimming with a broom in her hand like Aurora might have been.

3:43 – King Triton is introduced and escorted by 3 dolphins. The first thing you’ll notice about the king is that he is absolutely jacked. Where does he get the protein to feed those muscles? For the sake of the kingdom, I really hope it’s not from tuna fish.

4:36 – One of the first things we learn about Ariel is that she never shows up for music rehearsal. Ariel is our first princess diva!

6:49 –My initial impressions of Ariel: She has huge eyes, nice eye lashes, long wavy hair and the voice of an angel. She is also a naughty girl! I think she skipped her singing performance because she was on her way to get a tattoo.

9:27 – Ariel took items she found to a seagull named “Scuttle” to find out what the humans use them for.  Scuttle’s elevator clearly doesn’t go to the top floor. He did, however, teach me what a dinglehopper is.

12:49 – King Triton just compared humans to barbarians. Yeah, king, you’re the one probably eating members of your own underground kingdom just to satisfy your vanity when you look at those pythons in the mirror. Who’s the barbarian now?

13:34 – Ariel and her father just had a nasty argument. The poor king looks like he is about to have a heart attack. First, Ariel almost got Flounder eaten by a shark. Now, she’s sending her father over the edge. Bad girl princess is going to get everyone killed.

14:55 – We just got a glimpse of some kind of secret room where Ariel stores all her possessions. Despite danger and repeated warnings, Ariel is obsessed with collecting things that she has no use for. Lately, the tension between her and her father has escalated so much, he has sent a crab to secretly spy on her. What will happen when the king finds out the full extent of his strong-willed daughter’s disobedience? How will the daughter react when she discovers her father’s secret plan? Why have all the tuna fish been disappearing? Find out next week on Hoarders.

15:20 – Ariel just started singing that song about all the stuff she has. Honestly, it is so beautiful, I’m about to go into a coma. Ariel is trying to kill me too.

15:34 – Ariel just asked, “Wouldn’t you think I’m a girl who has everything?” Well, I would bet you don’t have the impossible-to-find 2-disk, platinum edition version of your own movie.

18:00 – “Part of Your World” just ended. This song/scene just took princess movies to another level and probably made Disney billions of dollars. Right now, there is nothing I want more than to grow some feet, use a dingle-hopper every day and marry a human. This song is absolutely incredible. On the goosebump scale, it’s a full 10 out of 10.

I just finished watching “Part of Your World” about 8x in a row. I’m back.

19:10 – After that huge argument with her dad, Ariel went back to her room and did the same thing she got in trouble for doing in the first place. Some princesses never learn!

24:45 – Ariel just went out and saved Fred’s life. In this movie, it is the princess first rescuing the prince rather than the other way around. Afterward, they washed up on an island. It turns out that the reason my copy of the movie was so expensive is because it is unrated and includes previously deleted scenes, some that I’m not sure anybody even knew where in existence. Things get so kinky here, discussing it would even make Dr. Ruth blush.

26:52 – Ariel singing: “I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something’s starting right now. Watch and you’ll see. Someday I’ll be, part of your world.” Such a beautiful voice. I haven’t heard such a touching song on a similar subject matter since “Step by Step” by NKOTB.

28:50 – Sebastian tries to convince Ariel that to open her eyes to the beauty that is already in front of her. If she were real and we were speaking face to face, I would want her to do the same thing in the middle of our conversation.

36:05 – Dear King – Blowing up the statue of the guy your daughter is in love with might not be the best way to get your relationship back on track.

38:40 – Ariel was just lured away to the home of Ursula, the demonic sea witch. Ariel hasn’t been able to stay out of trouble for 1 minute in this entire movie!

41:46 – Ariel just made a deal with Ursula. She gets to be a human for 3 days, but if she isn’t kissed during this time period, she turns into one of Ursula’s poor, unfortunate souls. Both Snow White and Aurora came back from the dead because they were kissed by a prince. This makes a kiss by a prince a major theme in 3 of the first 4 princess movies.

58:19 – Prince Eric invited Ariel on a tour of his kingdom. You can see the happiness on Ariel’s face as she really is starting to become a part of his world. The thing is, both of their worlds just about came to a dramatic ending when a buggy Ariel was driving barely cleared a huge jump over a cliff. The lesson, once again: Ariel is going to get everybody killed.

60:00 – As Sebastian goes all out to set the mood for a kiss, Prince Eric thinks he is all alone with young Ariel. Little does he know that he is being followed by a crab, seagull, ducks, turtles, seagulls, frogs, pelicans and a flock of flamingos.

61:35 – Have to agree with this YouTube comment: “How can you even consider kissing somebody in that environment? If that were me I’d be too distracted by the dancing wildlife.”

61:55 – Come on Eric! What are you waiting for? Kiss her! KISS HER!!!!!!

65:02 – The kiss never happened and Ursula turned into a fake girl with Ariel’s voice. Now, the prince is getting married to the fake girl that same afternoon. This prince moves too slow and too fast all at the same time.

68:15 – Ursula, still disguised as a young maiden just KICKED A DOG! This lady really is corrupt. That is no way to treat animals, ESPECIALLY in Disney movies!

69:23 – The animals strike back, punctuated by Eric’s huge dog taking a bite out of Ursula’s rump. Take that Ursula!

70:10 – Because they didn’t kiss in time, Ariel turned back into a mermaid and Ursula turned back into a witch. At this point, if you are Eric you have to be at least slightly curious as to what in God’s green earth is going on.

72:30 – Eric is now underwater firing things at Ursula, while Ariel has lost her mind and King Triton has been turned into a piece of hamburger helper. This movie has officially gone off the rails.

73:00 – Ursula put on King Titan’s crown and is blowing up like a balloon. I have never seen a character this large in my entire life. How are Ariel and Eric going to get out of this one?

74:40 – Eric just killed Ursula with … the mast of a boat?!?!? I guess that answers my question.

76:21 – Ooooooh… NOW they’re kissing. – just when it doesn’t matter anymore!

77:00 – King Titon and Ariel’s relationship has been restored and they just started playing the music from “Part of your World”. Did I mention what a beautiful song this is? I think I’m going to cry.

Closing Thoughts on The Little Mermaid:

At the age of only 16, Ariel knows something that some people don’t figure out in their entire life: all the stuff in the world can never truly satisfy. She has 20 thingamabobs, but knows that even 20 isn’t enough.

Like Cinderella and Aurora before her, she wants to get out there and explore the world. However, Ariel is on a different level. Not only does she want to get out there and explore, she needs to get out there and explore. She has to get out there and explore. She will get out there and explore. While Cinderella and Aurora have compliant personalities, Ariel has a heart on fire that is set on getting her way.

Ariel’s passion for adventure isn’t without a price. She is continually putting others in difficult predicaments. Most notable is the trouble she brings on her father. King Titon clearly loves his daughter and wants what is best for her. After their arguments, he is always wondering if he was too hard on her and questioning whether he did the right thing. At the same time, he knows that the world is dangerous and wants his daughter to be safe.

Ariel is continually frustrated with her father’s lack of listening or understanding She can’t “see how a world which makes such wonderful things could be so bad” and has a hard time believing her father when he tries to make it clear that there is real danger in the world she desperately wants to explore.

The movie asks an interesting questions such as, “how much freedom do you give your children?” Do you try to keep them from harm, but to such a degree that it breeds resentment, stifles growth and prevents them from learning on their own? Or, do you give them a great deal of freedom, knowing it could very well lead to a great deal of pain and possibly even destruction?

While Sebastian was initially on the side of the King, he eventually begins to see Ariel’s point of view. Later in the movie, Sebastian concedes that he knows Ariel would be miserable were she to have to go back to her old way of life. In the end, Sebastian makes the comment that, “Children have to be free to lead their own lives”. Eventually, after all that has taken place, King Titon agrees.

The movie also has a theme of salvation. Ariel saves the life of Eric after he gets caught in a nasty storm. Eric saves the life of a king who, earlier in the movie, stated that if he (Eric) had died, it would have been one less human to worry about.  And King Titon, who all along feared what his daughter’s freedom might lead to, choose to become one of Ursula’s unfortunate souls, rather than allow it to happen to his disobedient, strong-willed, free-spirited, but also deeply loved daughter.

I am very happy that Ariel was able to see fulfillment of her dreams. Eventually, though, she will come to realize that life above the water has its problems too. She’ll come to miss her family and those aspects of living underwater so eloquently stated by Sebastian in “Under the Sea”. She’ll realize that no matter how wonderful her prince, her terribly hungry heart will continue to ache. In the end, she may even come to see that this ache can never be fully satisfied by a beautiful world – only by the maker of one.

I would write more, but I have a song to listen to again.

Category: Princess Diaries