Watson has lots in common with a top-ranked human Jeopardy! player: It’s very smart, very fast, speaks in an uneven monotone, and has never known the touch of a woman. -Ken Jennings (ht: Ben S.)

People always say that women are hard to figure out. I even touched on it in this post. While this may be true for your average lay person, I’ve examined all the data, and, after hours of contemplation, have discovered the secret ingredient to understanding women. In this post I share my knowledge.

We need to start our analysis by taking a look at what women like. From here, we must determine why they like what they do. If we can do this accurately, we will have come a long way in our journey to understanding over one half of the human race.

#1) Women LOVE “Anne of Green Gables”. It’s a verifiable fact. They remember everything about the show in the most intimate details.

Here is what I remember:

a) Some dude bakes a pound cake for like a bake sale or craft fair or something
b) Someone gives a speech that gets a standing ovation.
c) The boys had funny and overly proper names like Frederick or something like that.
d) There is a lot of green grass.

That’s it. However, ask any girl in her late 20′s to early 30′s about it and she could probably tell you Anne’s favorite toothpaste flavor, how she likes her eggs and her second cousin’s middle name. Obviously, something deeper is going on here.

#2) Women in their late 20′s to early 30′s LOVE “Little House on the Prairie”.  They just do. They even like to reenact the opening scene by tumbling down rolling hills. But why? Knowing the answer would be like getting a key to Fort Knox.

This brings me to my next, and perhaps less obvious observation.

#3) Women in their late 20′s to early 30′s LOVE horses! How do I know this? Let me let you in on a little secret. About 5 years ago, I tried eHarmony. Every single girl I got paired up with was standing next to a horse in her profile picture. Now, I’m no statistician, but this by no means a random occurrence. I don’t recall saying anything about having a love for farm animals in the questionaire. As a matter of fact, I did a google image search for “the soul of a woman” and counted 9 pictures of horses before getting to the “show more results” button. That’s just crazy.

My conclusion: Girls love Anne of Green Gables, Little House on the Prairie and horses (I’m not sure what order).  You might be saying to yourself “uh, Mark, no duh?” Get ready, though, because I am about to pull the rug right out from underneath you. There is a theme that runs through each of these phenomena. What is it, you ask? The common denominator here is open meadows.

But why do girls love open meadows? I’m still working on that one. I don’t have the answer just yet. But when I do, I’m pretty sure I’ll have it all figured out.

Tonight, I celebrate my love for you (blog reader).  On this day of love, I found it in my heart to bring you a song, story, sap and scripture.

Truly:

First off, it’s not quite N-K-O-T-B-S-B, but whatever. Happy Valentine’s Day from these guys and me (ht: Amber Carter).

Madly:

Next, here is a Valentine’s story from author Jonathan Roger’s blog sure to make you mad or sad or perhaps some other more complex combination of primal emotions.  By the way, Mr. Roger’s blog happens to be one of my favorite blogs on the Internet. It’s just a shame that he doesn’t have more readers (take this profound post for example, which somehow only drew one comment?) Consider this section a huge endorsement for Jonathan Rogers. Follow his blog, and, like a first grade classmate who told you to untuck your shirt in order to hide the accidental wiz in your pants, you’ll be thanking me for years to come.

Deeply:

I’m not ashamed to admit that my eyes welled up after watching this next video. And, if you read this quote from Freddy Buechner, you might agree that this next clip says as much about God as it does DeSean Jackson:

You never know what may cause tears. The sight of the Atlantic Ocean can do it, or a piece of music, or a face you’ve never seen before. A pair of somebody’s old shoes can do it. Almost any movie made before the great sadness that came over the world after the Second World War, a horse cantering across a meadow, the high school basketball team running out onto the gym floor at the start of a game. You can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention.

They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next.

This boy’s face at the one minute and twenty-eight second mark is the most wonderful thing I have seen in a long time.

Finally, since we’re on on the subject of love and tears, here is a parting scripture from the 21st chapter of the book of Revelation. It also happens to be one of my favorite quotes not only in the Bible, but also in the whole world. Afterward, on that same topic, is perhaps my most favorite song in the world. I suppose it is only fitting.

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

About a month ago, when I was taking some time off work, I signed up for a free trial of streaming Netflix. Wanting to know what the buzz was all about, I started watching the first season of Lost. A week and a half and 121.5 hours later, I finished the last episode of the final season. Regardless of what I thought about the show, it felt nice to no longer be in the dark about something that many people had been talking about for years.

It makes me wonder about what else I might be missing out on. What book have I not read that might change my life? What movie have I not seen that I would think about for years? What musician have I not heard whom I could connect with like few others?

Thankfully, there are people who, when they experience something enriching, spread the word. This is exactly what happened about a year ago, when I got the recommendation to check out Patty Griffin.

I’ve only really listened to her 1,000 Kisses CD, which is okay because I’m pretty sure it’s her best. Below is a video of her singing one of my favorite songs from that album.

It’s a simple song, really. Once it hits the chorus, you don’t have to guess what her point is. It is surprising that a song without any mystery could be so good. But maybe what sets this song apart so much is how it cuts through all the bravado and so poignantly makes a request that nearly everyone has at their core. And maybe this song isn’t as simple as it first appears. The tender vulnerability from which it is sung puts on full display something of what it means to be be fearfully and wonderfully made.

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life… don’t be a sports fan. It’s a losing proposition. Take football for example. There are 32 teams in the NFL. Of those teams, do you know how many win each year? One. Yes, that is all. So, you have a 1 out of 32 chance of ending the year happy. That is a little over 3%.  Perversely, the better your team does, the more it will hurt if they lose in later rounds. To top it off, the joy you get from winning is a lot less than the pain from losing.  Even if you do win, the feelings of happiness won’t last long. Like Heath Bar (trademark symbol) ice cream, you will soon want more.

The closest thing I can compare this to is being on The Bachelor(ette). It’s just a bad, bad idea. Again, your odds of losing are greater than your odds of winning. Much, much greater. You have a greater chance of falling in love with the girl, getting the boot and then watching her make out with dozens of other guys. Does that sound like fun to you? To me, the answer is no.  Probably not. Even if you do “win”, the relationship likely won’t last long. Finally, think of where that girl’s mouth has been. You’re not just kissing her, you’re kissing 2/3rds of the other contestants. The exception is if she uses a powerful mouthwash, which is a good idea regardless of the situation. Be sure to check the labels in these situations.  Maybe even pick up a Consumer Report.

Still, I am happy for the Packers fans. This year, they are in the 3% that gets to be happy for a little while. Because I cannot personally be happy, I will be happy for them. To celebrate, I will pour this bottle of orange Gatorade over my head. I’m also going to get some mouthwash for my future wife.  Just in case.

Lest all my references to the 80′s make people think this blog is anything less than cutting-edge, I’m here to supply some facts on the moy (man/boy) known simply as “Bieber” and his impact on social media.

• Two of the top ten most viewed videos on YouTube right now are Bieber songs (masterpieces?)
• “Baby” has more than 451 million views and “One Time” has over 213 million.
• The girl in the “One Time” video (Kristen Leanne ‘Rodeheaver’) has 66 thousand twitter followers and 8 thousand “likes” on her Facebook page.
• The intro to Kristen’s Facebook page says, “Hey guys, so you might know me from Justin Bieber’s music video, ‘One Time.’”
• So, we pretty much know that this is her only reason for having an obscene amount of followers.
• We don’t know why her last name is “Rodeheaver” or why it is in quotations on her page.
• Nonetheless, we really like it and think it is the same name as the pitcher in the movie “Rookie of the Year”.
• We also like her watch on her wrist in the video below.
• When I say “we”, I am really talking about “me” or “I”.  There is only really one of “us”.
• “Bieber” has close to 7 million followers on Twitter.
• That is almost a quarter the population of Canada (33,739,900).
• “I” was 6,966,568.

I was curious about how cold it has been lately and decided to check the temperature.  I never really did get my answer.

A lot of people have heard the story about the Chevy Nova having a terrible time selling cars in Spain because “no va” is translated as “doesn’t go”.  Here are some of my other favorites (taken from the article linked below):

• In the mid-1960s, Pepsi’s slogan “Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation” failed to energize Taiwan, as the translation read “Pepsi Brings Your Relatives Back From the Dead”.

• Coors’ campaign “Turn it Loose” went flat in Spain, urging drinkers to “Get Diarrhea”.

• Had Colgate consulted such a firm before launching their toothpaste called Cue in France, customers might have been spared the embarrassment of being presented with a hardcore pornographic magazine when they asked for the product. Turns out the magazine, which shared the name, had been around for years.

• The Scandinavian company Electrolux caused some snickering when its slogan – “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux” – began appearing in marketing literature.

• Gerber had some trouble many years ago when it began marketing its baby food in Africa. The company used the same packaging it did in the US and Europe: a picture of a happy Caucasian baby on the label. It was only later that it discovered that because a large proportion of the population was illiterate, most companies only put pictures of the contents on the label.

• Few had it worse than poultry baron Frank Perdue, though, whose billboards in Spain mistranslated his well-known slogan “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken” to read “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”.

These were taken from this article: http://venturebeat.com/2009/07/20/expanding-abroad-avoid-translation-travesties/

My friend Eric recently lost his sister and put together a tribute video that I felt compelled to post below. This is worth watching.

Eric’s blog can be found here.

Due to some medical issues, I’ve been pretty much out of commission.  It has, however, given me time to get reacquainted with the video game industry after not owning a system since the Sega Genesis.  So far, it has been a very challenging experience.

For one, these games are way too complicated.  There are like 16 buttons.  Can’t we go back to the Genesis control system of “A”, “B” and “C”?  That was really nice.  Even Nintendo was messed up back then.  They had “B” before “A” on their controller. Did that make any sense? No. At least not to me. What were they trying to do? Carve out a niche for dyslexics?

Now, my controller has symbols that I’m supposed to press.  Let’s say, for example, that I’m playing Madden Football. Before, I would press “A” to throw to the receiver on the left. Now, I press something like the square button and have to look down at my controller to make sure I’m not pressing circle by accident. What’s next? Chinese symbols with a decoder ring for each button?

Secondly, after spending some time at Gamespot, I learned that there is a Sonic game that either came out or is coming out exclusively for Nintendo’s Wii. What the heck? If you would have told me 15 years ago that Sega was going to make a Sonic game for Nintendo, it would have been like saying McDonalds was going to start selling Whoppers.

Next, why are these games so strange? The titles are weird. The characters are weird. The storylines are bizarre. I wonder if there is a secret point system for coming up with the strangest stuff possible. This is some real odd stuff. Also, some of these titles really confuse me. For example, how can it be the final fantasy if there are 13 of them? Liars!

Next, why are the games so bloody? I thought things like players convulsing on the ice in NHL 95 or that sick bone crunch sound in Madden 96 were a bit raunchy. Today’s stuff is out of control. I did a search for the 25 best Playstation 3 games and about half of them were Johnny Shooterman-in-the-face games.  Special props goes to the non-violent game “Flower” which the guy on the site reviewed using these words:

I was immediately moved by the simple purity of Flower. Within minutes of starting the first level, the pristine visuals and ethereal sound design brought tears to my eyes. Watching the many flower petals excitedly waltz through the air was a breathtaking sight and one that I won’t soon forget.

I have to admit, this review seemed a bit over the top in the other direction. In order to feel manly again, I tried playing a teen rated Johnny Shooterman game (about all I can stomach). At first I was a little uncomfortable with the head shots to the pirates. I tried to rationalize it by calling them the bad guys.  But we were all going for the same treasure, which sort of made me a pirate too.  Finally, I came up with a reasonable solution. I figured it was just like Duck Hunt. The only difference is that you’re just shooting people instead of clay disks.

So, I guess I’m a little behind in all this stuff. I’ll figure out where the triangle button is eventually. In the meantime, don’t shoot me.