Running with broken legs
To be commanded to love God at all, let alone in the wilderness, is like being commanded to be well when we are sick, to sing for joy when we are dying of thirst, to run when our legs are broken. But this is the first and great commandment nonetheless. Even in the wilderness – especially in the wilderness – you shall love him.
- Frederick Buechner
A Break from Vacation
Over a year ago, I left my finance job to move to Texas. I needed adventure. I needed a break. I needed some change. The day after my last day, Lehman Brothers collapsed and took the industry with it. I haven’t had a job since. After running out of money, I moved back home.
Due to the timing of the moves, I haven’t experienced extreme hot or cold temperatures for over 18 months. I have played in multiple basketball and softball leagues. I have eaten steaks with sea salt, cucumbers with vinegar and pasta with shredded cheese. I have read all the books I’ve wanted to read and some books I’ve really wanted to read. I have watched enough football to make my eyes bleed. I have never been so organized. I have gotten into very good physical condition. I have finished everything I needed to get done.
For over a year, my life has been a weekend that never came to a close. It’s sort of like eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Or manna. Sometimes, I just cry out for quail.
I’m not as worried about the upcoming winter this year. I’m looking forward to experiencing cold and shoveling snow. I’ve never been one to cut or injure myself, but maybe it will help me to feel again. I don’t know what it is exactly I’m trying to feel, but I think I’m trying to feel like a man. Taking out the trash every week isn’t getting it done.
In the meantime, my life is the movie “Groundhog Day”. It is an exercise in gratitude, trust and patience. I have struggled, but my teacher says I’m improving. One of these days, I’m hoping to pass.
Looking to Another Day
When kids go grocery shopping, they make it clear to their parents what they want. “PLEASE” they continually plead, and “I promise to be good if you buy this for me” they beg. They want it (candy, toy, etc.) really bad, but only their parents have the power (money) to make the purchase. Ultimately, they are at the mercies of their parent’s choice.
I’m like this with my heavenly Father. “Please!”, I beg. Or, “I promise to be good if you bless me with this certain thing”. I get frustrated when God says “no”. I mean, why can’t I have the thing I want? God owns everything in the world – it’s no skin off His back. ”You don’t care about me!” – I inwardly stammer. “You have all the power to act on my behalf and just like to frustrate my wishes” – I accuse. If I’m honest, sometimes my ugly heart says, “I hate you” to God after not getting what is wanted.
One of my favorite songs is “Hold me Jesus” by Rich Mullins. There is a line in the song that reads, “I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want, than to take what you give and I need”. Maybe what I need is a “no” or a “wait”. Maybe I think I’m asking for a fish but am really asking for a snake (Matthew 7:10). Maybe God isn’t withholding good from me but keeping me from something bad. Maybe there will be something better down the road or maybe God just knows what he is doing and I need to trust Him.
Still, I struggle. I’ve had three major dreams in my life and they’ve all been severely frustrated. I often feel like God has given up on me and that I blew my chance with Him and lost his love. He could easily use His power to bless me with certain things I desire, but prefers to be aloof. He’s either playing hard to get or else I’m a nuisance to me and wants me to go away. According to Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”. It’s hard to believe, it’s hard to trust, and it’s hard to carry deferred hope.
Andrew Peterson has a song entitled “Another Day”. The lyrics read:
The sun looks down on another day
And I stumble on, and I stumble on through it
So bright, so I look away to another day
And these words that don’t come easy now
I’ll sing inside my dreams…
And the rain falls down on another day
And it covers me, it covers me over
So cold and I wanna stay
But I walk away
And this land that You have called me to
By faith I’ll gladly go
Through this wilderness of trials
To the Promise Land
I’ll known on another day
I’ve wandered down a thousand roads
And now I’m back where I began
I’ve been gone so long
But I’ll stand in your light again
And the Lord looks down on another day
And the waters part, the waters part so wide
So soft, I can hear Him say,
“Don’t you walk away, there’s another day”
The last line, “Don’t you walk away, there’s another day” is my favorite. Maybe unanswered prayers aren’t a sign that God wants nothing to do with me. Maybe He still loves me and really does have a plan and purpose for my life. Maybe His love is stronger than mine and runs deeper than my failures. Maybe there is a new and better day on the horizon.
“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” – Isaiah 55:8-9
Holding Tight
I remember speaking with my father three or four months ago and I remember him saying, “I never knew life would be so hard”. That really struck me. We are all so fragile. When I was young, I was very optimistic about life and how great it would be. I was going to play for the Celtics, marry the woman of my dreams, and do great things for God in the process of changing the world. As I grow older, I find life just plain hard. There is joy, but a lot of loss, sadness and pain needs to be fought through to find it.
“Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, ’I find no pleasure in them’… Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.” (Ecclesiastes 12: 2, 13-14).
As I look back at the last 8 years of my life, they’ve each been incredibly challenging in their own way. There’s been a lot of good times, but each year has seemed to be full of trials and obstacles. I feel like I’m overdue for an easy year. It’s difficult not knowing what is in store for the future. Each year seems to bring more duties and responsibilities, more sorrows, and less pleasure. Life could get dramatically easier, dramatically harder, or stay pretty much the same. The Father holds tomorrow in His hands.
Have faith like a child. Fear God and keep his commandments. Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey. Dear God, help me to trust in your sovereignty and love for me, help me to fear you and keep your commandments, and help me to find joy in the midst of the hardness of life.
