Email forwards that are actually good
Here are two of the best email forwards I’ve received lately (I guess forwards are still in circulation?) I promise that nothing bad will happen to you on account of not passing these on.
Good news is that I truly outdid myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down:
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost got wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder, almost killed herself putting it against my house, and didn’t realize he was fake until she climbed to the top. She was not happy! By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up into my yard.
(ht: Chad H.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am thankful:
For the wife
Who says it’s hot dogs tonight,
Because she is home with me,
And not out with someone else.
For the husband
Who is on the sofa
Being a couch potato,
Because he is home with me
And not out at the bars.
For the teenager
Who is complaining about doing dishes
Because it means she is at home,
Not on the streets.
For the taxes I pay
Because it means I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work
Because it means I am out in the sunshine
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing
Because it means I have a home
For all the complaining
I hear about the government
Because it means we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
Because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill
Because it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in church who sings off key
Because it means I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing
Because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles
At the end of the day
Because it means I have been capable of working hard
For the alarm that goes off
In the early morning hours
Because it means I am alive.
And I am thankful:
For the crazy people I hang with
Because they make it fun and interesting to be alive.
And finally, for too much e-mail
Because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
(ht: Brian M.)
Romancing the 70′s
I was flipping through the channels today and was mesmerized by Time Life’s Romancing the 70′s infomercial. 138 classics from the top easy listening artists of the decade all digitally remastered for superior audio quality. But wait! There’s more! If you call within 9 minutes, they throw in a bonus CD featuring 18 more romantic classics! Not to mention a beautiful case for easy storage!
Putting this collection together by yourself would be nearly impossible! Thankfully, the kind folks at Time Life have made it easy to once again enjoy all your favorite hits. Remember when you were young and in love? Remember those nights on the beach that seemed to last forever? Remember when she threw you in the Ocean and dunked your head so far under water that you didn’t think you’d be able to breath? Well, now is your chance to recapture all those memories!
Listen in as the hosts share a conversation dripping with sentimentality while staring so intently into the camera that they never make eye contact with each other. Be glad for razors and marvel at the resemblance between the host on the left and Uncle Rico.
All this at a cost of only 125 installments of one dollar. Get it soon because you won’t find this product in stores (at least not yet) and (unlike our love) the offer won’t last forever.
All Sport Sucks
Editors Note: In an effort to make this post as difficult to read as possible, I’ve added underlining, bold, italics, CAPS LOCK, and footnotes. 1 I have no idea what this will look like in a reader.
I had a pretty hard time choosing whether to go with the grape or watermelon flavored Coolata. Grape and watermelon are my favorite flavors of just about anything and Dunkin’ Donuts decided to roll out both at the same time!
I ended up going with the grape. It was pretty good – especially the first few sips 2. It tasted kind of like a slush puppy, which is really good news. If it tasted like a slurpee, it would have been really bad news. This is because slush puppies are awesome 3 and slurpees are overrated and mildly disgusting4. This brings us to a very important and overlooked point – slush puppies and slurpees are not the same thing! They are hardly even in the same family! It’s kind of like comparing Gatorade to All Sport. If you’ve never had the severe discomfort of having a cherry flavored All Sport, imagine drinking caffeinated Robitussin. It’s that bad!
Speaking of All Sport, I didn’t think it existed anymore. How can anything that disgusting still be around?!? If anything should still be in stores, it is Clearly Canadian.5 Clearly Canadian was clearly awesome!
Well, just the other day, I was driving past the dollar store and saw an advertisement for All Sport in the window! And you know what, it was selling for 89 cents! Yes, it couldn’t even make the price of a dollar at the *Dollar* store! You know what else? There was an additional sale of 2 for 1 dollar! They are practically giving these suckers away! Soon, they will be paying the customer just to take them off their hands! This will be done to avoid a disposal fee because All Sport is radioactive! Or, the government might confiscate them as they search for alternative sources of fuel. The stuff is pure nastiness! Can I say it any clearer? ALL SPORT SUCKS! 6
So, thank you All Sport. Like those commercials with the 13 foot backboards, you’ve once again showed us how to do things differently. Despite being the fattest in the survival of the fittest, you’ve somehow managed to survive.
UPDATE: I recently learned that there is a zero sugar and zero calorie version of All Sport. I don’t have the energy to write about how bad of an idea this is.
- I even downloaded a special plugin for the express purpose of making this useless footnote possible. Doesn’t it look pretty? You should try clicking back and forth with the little sideways arrow below. It’s really great. Go ahead! Knock yourself out! It’s both fun and legal and you won’t be ashamed to tell your grandmother you did it. ↩
- Don’t the first few sips of any type of slushy drink always taste the best? It’s like gum. Can they make slushes that continue to taste good after the first few sips and gum that continues to gush flavor after a few chomps? I don’t think they can. Frappuccinos and Snow Cones suffer from the same malady. ↩
- The people at the counter used to make the slush puppies. These people did a pretty good job. Now, it is set up where you have to do it on your own. Everyone makes the mistake of thinking that extra syrup will make the slush puppy taste better. Well, I must say that that the people at slush puppy did a pretty good job with their syrup pump count. it’s almost like they factored in the idea that people like syrupy slushes. It’s also important to have slush puppies with smaller rather than larger pieces of ice. If this were rocks, you would want sand rather than pebbles. This is because the sand blends in better with the syrup. ↩
- Cherry flavored slurpees are especially gross. On the other hand, anything with a pina colada flavor is midly passable. ↩
- The black raspberry flavor was especially delicious. ↩
- It is terrible. Just terrible. ↩
Crispy Critters
A friend of mine recently posted an old video on his Facebook page. It got me thinking more about commercials/intros that I have never forgotten. These are the ones that have stuck with me the most over the years.
They did so many things to try to trick us children into thinking that Science was cool (see Mr. Wizard). The only thing that worked on me was this catchy intro. Someone needs to remake this into a techno song. This grooves man!
Just listening to this intro makes me nervous for some reason. Maybe it is the conditioning that came with the the thought of reading all those books. Or, perhaps it is the excited anxiety that came with the idea of cashing in all those reads for personal pan pizzas. Either way, I can’t watch this. This seriously makes me nauseous and creeps me out.
This cereal came alive. It was REAL MAN! Even as a child, I knew it was only a matter of time before the Crispy Critters took over the world.
I never had a robot in my tree house. In fact, I never even had a tree house (or a robot). I got scared off by tree houses after the older kids offered Punky Brewster drugs in one of them. The drugs looked so much like candy, I wasn’t sure how I would have been able to resist the temptation. You also have to put up with Viking/Pirate/Motorcycle guys looking to steal your Honeycombs.
Before Jesse Spano came drugged out daddy. At the time, this was the most emotional and surprising commercial I had ever seen. Fathers did drugs? I was instantly floored and felt a surge of righteous indignation. It may have only been a commercial, but I wanted to scream: “YEAH, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?” That Dad was totally pwned!!! (Btw, I’m not sure what pwned means, but I have an idea after some squirt used it against me while playing laser tag. If I ever see him again, he had better cry for his mama. As an aside, it seems that little kids are great at skiing and old people are awesome at tennis. I’m so tempted to stick out my arm and give any runt who attempts to ski past me a clothesline. That would teach em a lesson! I think I’ll start doing this next year.)
I may have been young, but not young enough not to know that Kid Sister was a total rip-off of My Buddy.
To this day, I still say “Cancel the plans, they’ve got Spy-Tech”. I have yet to find one person with any clue as to what I am talking about.
(This is where the Spy-Tech commercial Youtube video would go if there was one. Nobody still has any idea what I’m talking about.)
Let me know if I missed any! You can check out more of my favorite videos here.
How the Hundreds in the Corners Forever Altered the Game of Skeeball
How they forever altered the game that I love.
I have to tell you that the worst thing the skeeball people ever did was to put those hundreds in the corner. This was an egregious thing that they did, and I will tell you why.
First of all, it used to be that a score of 300 or more meant something. Now, you just need one ball to accidentally land in the 100 spot and you are almost there. This leads to the second problem. The stats are all messed up. Should you aim for the 50′s in the middle or 100′s in the corner? Nobody even knows what a good score is anymore. Even the people handing out the prizes don’t know how many erasers and tootsie rolls to reward. Everybody is confused. As a matter of fact, I’m so confused that I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. Aren’t you confused reading this right now? I told you.
It’s like the problem of steroids in baseball times 10. Are inflated stats good for the game of skeeball? Is not knowing where to aim good for the game of skeeball? Are either of things things good for the game of skeeball? The answer is “NO“. In case I haven’t already, let me make myself clear: NEITHER OF THESE THINGS ARE GOOD FOR THE GAME OF SKEEBALL!
In regards to the lingering aiming question, let’s just be real now and agree that you are forced to take aim at the corners if you want to have any type of success. This is a crime to 16th degree.
Let me use a comparison to make my point clear. Let’s imagine that you are playing darts. However, the tacks upon which the dartboard hangs are now worth 40 points. Do you even see what is going on here? The rest of the dartboard has essentially been rendered useless. The entire game has changed.
Because the tacks are worth 40 points, the bulls-eye has lost 50% of it’s value. Are you still as excited about hitting that bulls-eye or have you given up trying to hit the bulls-eye altogether? By now, you’re just going for the tack. The tack has become the new bulls-eye. Can you see how absurd this has become? You laugh now, folks, but the slippery slope is in full effect. It’s just a matter of time before archers are aiming at ankles and riflemen are taking shots at earlobes. This, too, is a chasing after the wind and a most grievous evil.
What do you say then? Do you label me a purist? Do you think I need to “get with the times, Grandpa?” Well, all I can say to these people is that they are off center. They don’t understand inflation and they are way out of line.
It’s high time that they get their ducks in a row.
P.S. Don’t you love how the format of this post reads like one of those credit card offers in the mail? I don’t. As a matter of fact, I went to proofread the thing and gave up after I started developing headaches.
The hundreds in all (none) of their glory.
Could someone explain this to me?
Have you ever had a dream that made absolutely no sense in hindsight, but you went with it at the time? Did you wake up and think about it some more and eventually realize how improbable and nonsensical the whole thing was?
Well, I have had that same experience with an old TV show. At the time, it made perfect sense and I didn’t think much of it. I simply went along with the whole thing.
Well, times have changed. I have “woken up” so to speak and am realizing just how bizarre this show was. Quite simply, I want to get to the bottom of this. I need to get to the bottom of this. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t only want the truth – I demand it.
What on God’s great green earth was going on with this cartoon? The planning session must have gone something like this:
Let’s take Mr. T and we’re gonna need some traveling gymnasts and we’re gonna want them to do backflips and fight crime. As a matter of fact, we even want them to do both at same time. Mr. T is to provide motivational support while looking tough and being a positive mentor to a young boy. We’ll throw in a mean looking but no doubt cuddly dog for good measure.
Huh?
All of this aside, that dream was AWESOME! I pity the fool who does not like this intro:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mDQ-Yg6AME
P.S. One lousy comment about this video and I’M GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT INTO A POUND OF CREAM CHEESE!
