Sacred Sorrow
My first awareness of change within me came as I began to reflect on how I performed the mundane responsibilities from which I felt so alienated. Though I was not completely alive to them, I was able at least to think about them, if only from a distance. I was struck by how wonderfully ordinary life is. Simply being alive became holy to me. As I saw myself typing exams, chatting with a student on the way to class, or tucking one of my children into bed, I sensed I was beholding something sacred. My encounters with students presented astonishing opportunities to listen and encourage. Bedtime with Catherine, David, and John allowed me to convey the blessing and love of God to them. I was not yet fully alive to these ordinary moments, but I began to glimpse how profound they were.
In other words, though I experienced death, I also experienced life in ways that I never thought possible before – not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness. I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it. I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter a new, and different, life – a life no worse than before and sometimes better. A willingness to face the loss and to enter into the darkness is the first step we must take. Like all first steps, it is probably the most difficult and takes the most time.
- Gerald L. Sittser, loser of his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident with a drunken driven. Taken from his book: A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss.
When You Lose Someone You Love by Richard Exley
And now, more than ever, you need the ministry of comfort. Not covered dishes and sympathy cards, but a safe place with a safe person, somewhere you can grieve without being rebuked or misunderstood. You need someone who will let you be real, someone who will let you weep or rage as the case may be, someone who won’t try to explain the unexplainable, or fix everything with a prayer.
When you lose someone you love, p. 31
Synopsis: Richard Exley writes this book as a series of fictional letters to a grieving person given the name “David”. David is a composite of persons Exley worked with as a Pastor and what is written to him could easily be applied to either gender. The book is small (128 pages) and is specifically focused on grieving the death of a loved one. This 20th anniversary edition features prayers and scripture meditation, as well as a new introduction and epilogue. The book as well as this review are written from a Christian perspective.Positives: Exley writes with tenderness and compassion. He does not pretend to have all the answers, but aims to give words of comfort to those who grieve and let them that they are not alone and have not been forsaken. The message is that God’s love runs deeper than the pain they are experiencing and there is a reason and purpose for what they are going though – however unclear it may be. He writes with detachment, but also as one who has experienced his own share of loss. The scriptures and prayers were excellent and it is not too heavy of a read.
Negatives: In one part of the book, Exley mentions that the grieving process can take up to two years. In another place, he mentions that it can take 2 to 3 years. In a third place, he mentions that it can take at least 2 years. Rather than putting a time frame on this kind of thing, it may have been more helpful to mention that it often takes a very long time to grieve - usually longer than you might expect. It might even linger for a lifetime. Also, Exley includes a chapter on what a comfort it is to know that a loved one has gone on to be with the Lord. He provides no coverage for deaths where the loved one might not have gone on to be with the Lord (though this is indirectly covered in sections alluding to the sovereignty of God).
Summary: As believers in the resurrected Christ, we have comfort in knowing that the grave does not have the final word. The night is full of darkness, but death has been swallowed up in victory. Mourning will give way to a new and better morning and there will be no more sorrow, loss or pain. In the meantime, God is with us in the midst of overwhelming grief. Sometimes he holds us by our right hand. Other times, it is a full embrace.
This is a good book, but it is just a start. Don’t expect someone reading this to feel good all of a sudden. Also, other books go over topics covered here in much greater detail. This would make for a thoughtful gift and is also a good resource for those who want to know how they can be helpful to others who suffer (that is, the human race).
Rating: 4/5 (Good guidance, but probably not enough for more severe losses.)
This book was provided for review by David C. Cook. To learn more about this book, or purchase from Amazon, click here.
“For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.”
